Alright, I have identified the problem, it's called coil whine. I heard the exact same issue after hearing it on a mic found on youtube. This has zero/nothing to do with speakers, the bios, or the fan. Those are the first things HP Reps will bring up incorrectly. it's usually caused by an electrical current going through a power-regulating component like a transformer or inductor, causing its electrical wiring to vibrate at a variable frequency. If it's annoying enough it should be returned under warranty, which I'm doing.
I've contacted the BBB and asked for a 100% refund and for the computer to be repaired and returned to me. I will wait for a response before reaching out to my credit card company. My time alone invested in resolving this i've calculated is worth about 13 times what this laptop costs. Really disappointed that a legacy valley company like HP would have their QA ship this out, what an embarasement.